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Tuesday, 04 August 2009

  • Oh... it gets better!

    Hi! So its been months since my last post.. mostly because facebook, and all social networking sites have been blocked at my job, including xanga :( 

    So an update, I went to Poland, and had an AMAZING time with my 2 friends that live there. We traveled to the beautiful Polish mountains, Slovakia, Hungry, Austria, and the Czech Republic!  All so beautiful, and relaxing, I had a splendid time over there.  We got to talk about our lives and catch up, and talk about God, as well as Gods call in my and their lives.  I came back to America so encouraged. 

    The next weekend my friends and I went to New Jersey for the weekend.  One of my friend’s parents live up there, and we visited their messianic congregation, then had a blast at the beach, hanging out, kayaking, canoeing, then drove back.  It was a great weekend getaway, it was refreshing, and a total vacation! I didn’t expect to have so much fun up there! 

    The very next weekend, onto the next trip! Haha, my family and I went on out first Cruise, aboard the Carnival Pride.  From Baltimore it took us to Grand Turk, part of the Turks and Caicos Islands.  Then we went to Half Moon Cay, in the Bahamas, Carnival’s private island, and oh my gosh, I want to live there!  The water was crystal clear, warm, and the sand so powdery white and fine.  After, we went to Freeport, Bahamas, and started our journey home. 

    It was great spending time with my family, and I got such a chance to relax and kick back.  Just what I needed! Plus I got a great tan! :P   But seriously I learned a lot on the Cruise, and over the past month.  About Gods salvation, about staying/living pure and holy, and about setting myself apart from the world, by choosing to follow Him.  I was saddened to learn that Carnival has no church service or bible study... I guess people like taking a vacation away from God... I know I don’t.  They have multiple meetings of the GBLT passengers, but no church?  I was downright depressed and as I let my guard down on vacation, temptation entered into the arena.   

    Thankfully, as of late I've been chatting with a brother from the Accountability Bros group, and it’s helped me trim the fat so to speak.  That is, the fat of complacency and laziness in my relationship with God.  Right now it’s a go, and I want to dive into God, I want my sole source of passion and joy to come from knowing Him, and seeing Him work through me.   

    With that I pray, Lord, use me where I am. Embolden me and fill me with your joy, that I may go out and share your light with others struggling.  I love you Lord.  Thank you from my brothers and friends.  Thank you for being my salvation. I will follow you to the ends of the earth. I’m for you.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

  • Time for a trip, partly down memory lane

    So its been about a month since I posted my last update. Where to begin... First, my best friend's sister's fiance has been staying at my house this past month with my family and I. That has been very interesting to say the least. He is from South Africa, and he is a typical guy. When I visited him in SA back in november, he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I was so honored, and it was such a blessing to be asked.

    So he sent me an email a few months back, desperate for a place to stay for a month until he moved in to his fiance's family's home. So I talked with my parents and we accepted. I've learned a lot this month, about how I love my personal space, and my private time to relax and unwind after work. He is an EXTREME extrovert and a in-your-face 24x7 kind of guy. What has been nice is his fiance comes and picks him up most evenings, so I get enough time to chill and unwind. But it has been nice having a friend around too. At least I cant say that I am lonely at all! If anything, its almost the opposite :P

    He reminds me of what a typical guy would be like, though I don't like molds. He tells me all about the drama of his relationship, his bad-blood with the inlaws, and what is there so far of his 'sex life'. Though he hasn't officially done it, the way he described what he did, if i had walked in on them doing it, i would have called it sex... or extreme foreplay... TMI.

    I also learned from him that 2 guys can hit up a girl at once, when i showed a face of disbelief, my friend promptly went on his computer and searched his video porn library to show it to me. I guess I should have turned away, or told him this was inappropriate, but I glanced. Nothing there. i felt a little guilty for not standing up and expressing my true feelings, that this was not ok. Maybe I will do better next time... I have still yet to download porn on my own, its been months! So I am glad this didn't open up bad doors. But I did speak to my accountability brother about it.

    As far as SSA is concerned, I continue to praise God for his grace in this season in my life. Though the temptation lies in wait, I have not acted. And that will continue.

    I went up to Atlantic City with my best friend this past Saturday. It was such an interesting trip. I witnessed crimes before my eyes. A man stole this lady's purse at a casino and ran out the door right past me. I was in shock. The casino gave my friend and I each a card with $30 dollars of free money to gamble with, so I just used that, not a cent of my own money. My friend had some amazing observations. For one, the casino card came with a string to put around your neck, a springy plastic lanyard. Some people had it around their neck, with the card plugged into the machine, bending forward and pressing the bet button over and over. It was like they were hanging themselves, also like they were getting their lifeblood from this slot machine.

    Also, in the dark casino, big white letters spelled out: REDEMPTION, where people could redeem the money they won. I am sorry, but that redemption is vanity. There is only 1 REDEMPTION I know of... redemption through the blood of Christ Jesus. I am co-giving a sermon with my friend this weekend, filling people in on the details and things we learned from our trip. ^_^

    And speaking of trips... I was at work this last, kind of bored... and I did it again. Booked another one of my last minute trips. I am leaving Monday for a 11 day trip to Poland to visit my friends, and travel to some surrounding cities/countries. Prague, Vienna, Budapest, and yeah well see what happens. I am excited to get away, and get a vacation from work, and my best friend's sister's fiance... shhh <('.'<)

Saturday, 23 May 2009

  • The view from the top of the mountain!

    So, its been a while since I posted an update as to whats been going on in my life so far.

    The past few weeks have been utterly amazing. God has been so merciful to me, and I can tell that this is a blessed season He has given me. A season of recovery, a season of second chances, a season of growth. I can honestly say at this point, that God has taken away nearly all desires to act on temptation.

    Before I was addicted to many things. Overeating, P, M, meeting up with guys, lusting, depression, but as of now the chains have fallen off! I am no longer entangled by these things (for this moment, and the past few weeks at least), and it is been truly a blessing. It reminds me when I originally came to the Lord. And temptation was wiped away.

    I can honestly say, that during this time, I have thought of the idea of dating girls. To be honest, that concept still freaks me out more than ever. I see it as the next (or soon to be next) logical step to make, however I still have some female attraction issues to deal with. I find some attractive, but only a few... I guess thats fine, as in theory, I only need to be attracted to my gf/wife, to me there is a big attraction when i am attracted to the girl's inner beauty. So that is something that I might need to figure out later, because as of right now, I outright see/focus on the outer beauty (as to if I am attracted to them or not). (and if I am, then I can start considering if it might work out, and try to see their inner beauty by getting to know them more). I overthink getting into relationships with girls.

    Confused? Me 2, let me try to explain clearer.. With a guy, if i see a picture, right away I could decide if I wanted to date him or not (not that I would), but most guys are attractive to me. If i saw a picture of a girl, I would feel lost, unless they were outright really & noticeably attractive.

    As I tell my straight guy friends, imagine you lived in an alternate universe where same-sex marriage was blessed and marriage between a man and women was a sin, and imagine you are who you are. So it would be awkward for you to go find a boyfriend, you could pick out a noticeably attractive guy out of the crowd.. maybe, but its hard! Thats how I sometimes feel in this reality!

    So, I trust God that he will work in me, and heal me. Last week I told one of my best friends mothers (who is an amazing prayer warrior) a little about what I have been going through. She said that I was wired to be in contact with guys and girls, and in this culture guys touching guys in a safe way is considered taboo. What I mean is, to put your arm around a guy friends shoulder, or pat a guy on the back. In india men hold hands as a sign of friendship. In the middle east, they touch each other more (kisses on the check etc).

    So my solution... move to the middle east... or... as my friends mom said, find a safe guy to be 'hands on' with. Once i get that void filled, then maybe the next void that would show up, is one with girls. My friend and I went drinking with a couple close buddies (my 2nd time drinking in my life :P) and I didn't get drunk or anything, but just had a great time with the guys. My friend, who knows what I've been going through was really cool, put his arm around me, we were just being normal guys, and I felt like that void was filled. It doesn't have to be from some sexual/perverted way. Thats an idea that will take some getting used to, and some deep thought. But it seems logical.

    Any thoughts on that issue? (or on anything else I mentioned?)


Friday, 08 May 2009

  • The aftermath.

    So, some things to update you all on since my last post. A few hours after I wrote the last post, I told my mom about my current struggles. She responded by telling me that I need to sign up for online Christian Dating sites so I can meet more girls, and get more experience...

    My mom is an overachiever. She has super high expectations, that I can only pretend to meet some of the time. I am a people pleaser (at times), so its difficult for me. I do not agree with her however on this issue. I used to be shy, and her advice was just try harder to push myself into awkward situations thus making me more talkative. That didn't work, what I needed and eventually found was DELIVERANCE.

    One thing that she said that stung me, is after I told her how one of my other straight friends was struggling with purity in his relationship with his girlfriend (ie. they were having sex). I told her: "it just goes to show you, all guys struggle with one issue or another", and she said "well id rather have you struggling with that issue, then with yours." BURN. It was time to take a stand, I told her I didn't agree, explained how I totally disagreed, and she realized she overstepped her boundaries and apologized.

    My mom also says i'm not meeting enough girls, so she wants me to go to a new youth group. To be honest, These things she is suggesting sound good, but they only deal with the surface issues. The real issue is I need healing. She doesn't understand... to be honest I don't expect her to.

    She and my dad think that me hanging out with any people "like me" would be a temptation and a waste of time. I couldn't disagree more. I think its a necessary step in my healing. I have a greater desire to make and maintain guy friendships, so once that need is met, it would in theory set the stage for moving on.

    Temptation, since my last major screw-up has been nearly at a 0!! God is giving me strength to fight the same-sex attractions, they are nothing. Now, the real question is, will He go past that, and give me a strong attraction towards girls? I can only hope and pray so :-/

Monday, 04 May 2009

  • Coming clean to my parents

    So just a quick update... last night I was talking with one of my friends who was talking to me about the Exodus conference. I am praying about it, but as I was doing so, I realized that I have a major stronghold against me, that is telling my parents about my recent struggles and my positive involvement in the exodus online community.

    Last my parents had heard, I had same sex attractions back in 2005 and prior, and I was delivered from it later in 2005. The same sex attractions left me for years, and that was true. But last year, unknown to my parents, they came back, and worse than before.

    So last night I couldn't sleep. I had this burning desire to tell my parents, I just cant hold in that double life. I have basically lied to them the past year by the way I had been living my life. I was tossing and turning, worrying about what i would say to my parents, when would I say it, and should I tell them EVERYTHING? Then I just was thinking they may kick me out of the house, they may make me go up in front of my congregation and repent, they may disown me for lying to them, etc... I was fretting big time. Though I do have accountability partners, still my parents have been out of the loop.

    Today was a rare day. I had to get into work early, and my dad was late, so we were both in the kitchen together. My dog Jenny was looking at me, and staring, and in her big brown eyes, I felt like Jesus was staring at me through her, saying, this is a perfect time i've given you, so WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

    So I told him i've been struggling attraction wise, in that I am attracted more to men that Id like to be, and less attracted towards girls than Id like to be. Also that I have been involved with Exodus online, and there is an upcoming conference that people were encouraging me to attend, and im praying about it. It was an awkward conversation. My dad didn't really look at me, but just said a quick prayer for me and went upstairs. He will be telling my mom about what I said later today im sure, so that should be interesting.... im sure ive not heard the end of this.

    I realized though that I don't need to tell them everything. I have accountability now, and I repented and turned away from that behavior, so I think its not worth the hastle and heartbreak. I think if they were to confront me about it (if i've met guys recently, I would just lie (i'm being honest):-/, so i don't know. Actually Id try to use my words carefully to not lie, but not be really clear... i dont know, I just want to move on.

    so any prayer would be nice. This is a good thing, I am just freaked out...


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chaver03

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About Me

  • Hi my name is Justin, and I live in the US. I am a born-again Christian, who loves the Lord with all my heart, and dedicates my heart to Him who saved me. I want to be more like Jesus every day. I love to travel, work out, paint, watch movies, go bowling, and hang with friends. I am just a normal guy, and love meeting new friends. Don't hesitate to send me a message! God bless.

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